IF YOU HAVE A PET --

Well. I *might* have found a legit room. Here is to hoping it works out. A friend of a friend has a free room in a decent neighborhood. Going to check it out this weekend. Knowing people, knowing Italians, is the only way I can see finding an apartment in this city. Only way to possibly find a place that doesn't cost WAY too much, and is legit.

So. I spent some time ranting in transient culture about apartment hunting being literally impossible. The first (and only) twenty responses I received came from people who claimed they couldn't physically show me the "available" apartment. Their excuses ranged from tragic sob stories (sick nannies, stuck in a wheelchair, etc.), or because they lived somewhere in Asia, like China. These people would then tell me they needed me to WESTERN UNION THEM THE RENT AND DEPOSIT. They claimed that once they had received my cash, they would "mail" me the keys. I spent about two weeks contacting people about apartments. After two weeks of NO legitimate responses, I gave up. I had posted an ad on an apartment rental site that had been recommended to me by a friend who had lived in Milan for eight years. I haven't taken the ad down. I assumed that like Craigslist, ads have an unwritten life span. Once the "life span" has been lived, who would take the time to read or respond to the ad?

Once again, Milan is crazy. Rules - unwritten or written - don't exist here. Which brings me to - someone DID take the time to respond to me today. Usually, the internet scammers take a few emails to reel their potential victims in. They don't spring the Western Union bullshit on the victim, until they know the "renter" really wants the place. Until they feel that they have dragged the person along enough -- that the person will probably take anything. I am assuming they are hoping that the potential renter is on a limited time schedule. If they drag it out over a few days, the person might be desperate enough to take anything. Might be desperate enough to NOT over analyze their crazy excuse as to why they can't show you the apartment, introduce you to a landlord, etc.

Admittedly, after I had received a handful of emails from these scumbags trying to scam me -- this email thing almost became a game. I expected every single response to be the same (and every response WAS the same), and I had a little bit of fun stringing them along, calling them out on living in China, or needing a Western Union transfer, etc. - before they sprung it on me themselves. Again, after a couple weeks, I just gave up on the whole damn thing.

But today. Man, today. This person just wins on being an idiot. I don't even have words for what I received today. I am just going to post it. Keep in mind: I have never contacted this person. I am assuming they found me on this apartment search site. So, here you go readers: posted below is the email I had waiting for me this morning in my inbox. I am copying and pasting the entire thing word for word. This is the first email I have ever received from this person. I never expressed interest in their "apartment." This came out of nowhere. Ready for this?

***

Good Day i saw your advert in easystanza, i am the owner of the house you are making inquiry of...Actually I resided in the house with my
family, my wife and my only daughter before and presently in West Africa for Agriculture Development UN. Presently my house is still available for rent for €400(rent already includes utilities). More so Now, I'm currently in West Africa for Agriculture Development UN. Please i want you to note that i spent a lot on my property that i want to give to you for rent, so i will solicit for your absolute
maintenance of this house and want you to treat it as your own, It is not the money that is the main problem but i want you to keep it tidy all the time so that i will be glad to see it neat when i come for a check up.I also want you to let me have trust in you as i always stand on my word. 3 bedroom home, living room with satellite / cable TV, high speed internet access available, washing machine. 3 bedrooms, 3
bathrooms. and a large living room with appliances, wall ovens. Large individual safe storage room, dining room.close to school and shops,
etc...

* 3 bedrooms
* 3 bathsroom
* 2 car garage Property Information
Area information: Over 1700 square feet.
Terms and conditions:
Monthly rent: €800 Utilities
Deposit: €400
Rental min: 1 month +
maximum rent: 4 years +
Address: Via Voghera 14 - Milano
It is close to air port and Milano 50.00 KM, ... STAZIONE
CENTRALE 1.00 KM, Milano CITY CENTER 1.00 KM.

SO IF YOU ARE REALLY INTERESTED I WILL WANT YOU TO FILL THE RENT
APPLICATION FORM BELOW.

RENT APPLICATION FORM.

FIRST NAME:__________?
MIDDLE NAME:__________?
LAST NAME:__________?
PROFESSION:__________?
PHONE:
(CELL)PHONE__________?
(WORK)PHONE__________?
(HOME)PHONE__________?
KIDS _____ (YES/NO), HOW MANY ________
PRESENT ADDRESS: _____________________
CITY: _______________
STATE:______________
ZIP CODE: ____________
HOW LONG? ___________IF RENTING
WHY ARE YOU LEAVING__________?
IF THIS HOUSE IS BEING GIVEN TO YOU,
HOW LONG DO YOU INTEND STAYING? ____________?
WHEN DO YOU INTEND MOVING IN? ______________?
IF YOU HAVE A PET,
NAME OF PET: _____________?
KIND OF PETS: _____________?
HABITS
DO YOU SMOKE ______________ ?
DO YOU DRINK ______________?
DO YOU WORK LATE NIGHT? ____?

Looking forward to hearing from you with all this details so that i
can have it in my file in case of issuing the receipt for you and
contacting you...Await your urgent reply so that we can discuss on how
to get the document and the keys to you,please am giving you all this
based on trust and again i will want you to stick to your words,you
know that we have not seen yet and only putting everything into Gods
hands,so please do not let us down in this our property and God bless
you more as you do this... The house is available for rent at the
moment so you are free to move in as soon as you wish to...A Deposit
of €400 (which happens to be the security deposit) is required before
moving in....The house will be available for rent for a period of 4+
years so you have a choice of deciding how long you intend staying
there...

God Bless,
Amy Crosby

***

I will admit that I was initially impressed with the emails I was receiving, only in the sense that they were relatively well written (in contrast to the above example). The emails didn't initially scream "scam." Most of the emails were very general, but basic "trying to rent my place out" emails. The sketchy stuff wouldn't appear until at least the third email. The only thing that struck me as "weird" in the initial email responses was the lack of desire to talk to me on the phone. However, because I am in Italy, it was almost a relief. I initially assumed (with the first response), that the person probably didn't speak great English. I even thought that *maybe* they had used Google Translate, or something. I only thought this, as I had used Google Translate to contact a few people I had found on my own. However, if they had needed to talk to me on the phone, I would have been at a loss. BUT THIS CHICK, WHOA. I need to know -- does this actually work on anyone? And who??? This email is just too damn good. RENT APPLICATION FORM?!?!?! That alone made my morning.

Too funny. Italy: watch out for the scumbags.