By the way, where is the model rehab?

Well.

I decided I want to be a 'blogger', 'again' - so here we go.

A lot has changed since moving back to NYC all the way back in January. That seems like ages ago, and I guess in a metaphorical sense, it was ages ago. In a shortened version, I moved back to NYC because I was tired of traveling. I was tired of modeling. I had things other than 'being pretty' that I wanted to focus on, and I was searching for stability. Looking back now, it seems idiotic to move back to NYC while in search for a more stable life. I can't believe no one tried to stop me. I can't believe I didn't stop myself, I guess.

I moved back to NYC and immediately signed with a large, well known agency. I thought, why not, I'm here. I told them I only wanted to work well paid gigs, and I didn't want to get sucked into things like fashion week because I didn't fucking care enough. The booker who signed me, who was a friend years before, said, O.K., cool. All was good. I was working almost everyday and I was working rad jobs. And then he left the agency. Before I had time to realize what was happening, I was doing stupid jobs for little to no money and I was all 'signed up' or should I say, 'drafted' for fashion week. I was also miserable. I told myself, I am going to do this and I'm going to do it well. But that didn't happen. Midway through fashion week, after booking my first NYC tent shows and being throughly exhausted, I dropped out. I hated the person it was making me become. It pissed off my agency. Some people couldn't believe I had gone through the hell of fashion week castings, fittings, and even a few shows only to drop out -- but I didn't feel a thing. I didn't feel good and I definitely didn't feel bad, the only thing I knew is that it was the right decision. My agency was upset and after a couple more bullshit jobs I decided to quit modeling. I quit and I felt O.K. about it. I was still fairly isolated, as I had been since moving back. I felt O.K., but restless. I had the whole world to do whatever I wanted with, but all I wanted was something good and simple.

I quit modeling, but I still booked jobs on my own. I was booking jobs I wanted to work, and I was getting paid in cash. Modeling is like an uncontrollable drug addiction that you can't seem to get away from. By the way, where is the model rehab? Does anyone know? I picked up some 'normal NYC' jobs, I dated a couple guys, and I found myself in the midst of a really great group of friends who were not only productive, hilarious, and intelligent -- but psychedelic in a way that I was looking for. This is hard to come by in NYC. I started working daily on 'creative' projects, and for a second, I felt relatively content.

Nothing lasts forever in NYC. NYC works in cycles, cycles of circles. When things are good in NYC, things are really good. But when they are bad, man, NYC is unfuckingbearable. I wanted out. When I moved back, I promised myself I would stick it out through the whole summer, and then decide what I wanted to do. It says something when eight months in a city is what I consider 'a long time' and 'enough time for stability'. I started to realize I had no idea how to live a normal and simple life. It felt like this crazy impossible task. Understandably, I was having a hard time making it through the whole summer. I was looking for every option to get the hell out. And then I met someone. I met someone who is nothing short of amazing and who threw me through some unexpected loops.

To make a long story short, I found myself totally in love super quickly. It was crazy and like every story you hear about but don't believe, or maybe you just scoff at the notion of. I didn't know what to do, as I have found myself in love with the same person for years and years now. But this 'same person' is someone who was never going to pick up and travel the world with me, never going to go out of his way for me. And to be honest, I don't want him to. I always thought he was too talented to waste his time focusing on some girl. But with 'new guy', everything is different. I never wanted to be in some 'committed' relationship, I never thought about leaving Brooklyn 'for good', I never really wanted anything concrete, or, I never knew what I wanted, until I met this guy. As soon as we met, everything just fell into place. Everything worked. I'm not saying I don't miss 'old guy' or that I stopped caring about him. I'm saying that there was a gravity to the situation with 'new guy' that I couldn't ignore, that no one around me could ignore. There were things happening outside of my realm of understanding that would have been 'wrong' to dismiss, the universe was making it impossible to ignore this guy. Ultimately, whatever was and is happening is real, good, and simple. I think that is what I have wanted for some time now, I just didn't think it was attainable.

I am writing this from Guatemala. The guy I am head over heels for is on the roof doing yoga. We arrived here a couple weeks ago. We took a couple short trips - Honduras, Lake Atitlan...and we have a nice homebase that has been relaxing and a break that I needed. We are headed back to the states, Iowa to be exact, in the near future. I'm down here primarily for psycho-spiritual reasons, and for those of you who know me well, you can probably figure out what exactly that means. Only part of our house is covered by a roof, it has been off and on raining all day. There is literally a monsoon about three feet from my laptop, and it's beautiful.

Before leaving NYC, I decided I wanted to travel back to Asia and I also knew that I needed a way to make some concrete money. I stumbled upon a manager who I trust, and this time everything feels right. So, yes, once again, I failed at breaking away from the modeling world. But I'm going to give it one more chance. This time, I'm not trying to climb some ridiculous, never-ending, high fashion ladder. I'm just going to work and see what happens. And I have someone with me that regardless of what happens, I know everything is going to be O.K.

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Anyway, I promise I am going to keep this 'I am a blogger' thing up. Interesting and hilarious stories are on the way. And for the record, Central America is amazing. Perfect, really.